Joke Origin: “This Place Would Be Much Better If We Had Plenty of Water and Good Society” “So Would Hades”
Joke Creator: Benjamin Wade? Charles H. Hoyt? William D. Kelley? Anonymous?
Location: Central Pacific Railroad? Great American Desert? Great Plains? Nevada? Wyoming? Nebraska? Montana? North Carolina? Texas? Unknown?
Question for Quote Investigator: A traveler who was visiting an arid and desolate place asked a resident for his opinion of the location. The resident was enthusiastic, but the traveler’s mordant response was hilarious:
“This is a wonderful place. All it needs is water and good society.”
“That’s all hell needs!”
This squelcher has been credited to nineteenth century U.S. Senator Benjamin Wade and U.S. playwright Charles H. Hoyt. However, I have never seen a solid citation. Would you please explore this topic?
Reply from Quote Investigator: In November 1869 “The Philadelphia Inquirer” of Pennsylvania reported on a lecture delivered at the local Concert Hall by U.S. Congressman William D. Kelley who discussed a long journey on the Union Pacific Railroad and the Central Pacific Railroad. Boldface added to excerpts by QI:¹
Passing over the Union Pacific the engineer informed me that there had been no rain for a long time. Coming home we had rain following us and preceding us for fifteen hundred miles. I could see it passing before us and laying the dust, as well as I ever saw it done by one of the water carts on the street.
The lecturer stated that he stopped, together with the rest of the party, at a small station on the line. While there, the Hon. Ben. Wade, one of the party, got into conversation with the station-master, and said to him: — “You have a pleasant place here; it is truly delightful?” “Yes,” said the station-master, “it is very pleasant; but it would be much better if we had good society and plenty of water.”
“So would Hades,” quietly remarked Mr. Wade, turning upon his heel and walking away.
The oddly placed question mark in the excerpt above appeared in the original text.
Based on the testimony of Kelley, QI believes that Benjamin Wade deserves credit for this quip. Kelley did not specify the precise location of the station. The newly inaugurated route of the transcontinental railroad went through Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, and California.
Below are additional selected citations in chronological order.
In January 1870 “The Daily News” of London published a version of the anecdote:²
I was informed that soon after the opening of the railway, a party, of whom ex-Senator Ben Wade was one, made this journey. Complaints were expressed about the discomforts experienced on this section of the line. Wishing to make the best of what could not be remedied, one of the party remarked that with plenty of water to lay the dust and pleasant society, the great American desert would be, not only endurable, but delightful. Whereupon the ex-Senator observed: “With plenty of water and good society, hell, would not be a bad place to live in.”
A very similar version of the tale with a matching punchline appeared in March 1870 in the “Daily Kansas State Record” of Topeka, Kansas³ and in the “Gold Hill Daily News” of Gold Hill, Nevada.⁴
In September 1870 the “Hartford Daily Courant” of Hartford published a version of the anecdote set in Warsaw, North Carolina with “hell” printed as “h-ll”:⁵
As a train on the Wilmington and Weldon road reached Warsaw, N.C. the other day, a Texas chap on board asked one of the settlers at the station, “What kind of a country have you around here?” “Oh!” was the response, “we have a mighty nice country; all we lack is water and good society.” The Carolina man was somewhat comforted by the assurance of the Texan that h-ll had the same advantage.
In 1871 “Westward by Rail: A Journey to San Francisco and Back and a Visit to the Mormons” by William Fraser Rae included a discussion of a railroad passage from Promontory, Utah to Elko, Nevada. The name Mark Tapley in the following excerpt referred to a Dickensian character who was always cheerful:⁶
Soon after the opening of the railway, a party, of which ex-Senator Ben Wade was one, made this journey. Complaints were rife about the discomforts experienced on this section of the line. Wishing to make the best of what could not be remedied, the Mark Tapley of the party remarked that with plenty of water to lay the dust and congenial companions, the Great American desert would be, not only endurable, but delightful. Whereupon the ex-Senator observed: — ‘With plenty of water and good society, Hell would not be a bad place to live in.’
In 1873 “The Chicago Daily Tribune” of Illinois printed a brief instance:⁷
Society on the Plains is highly educated in the use of fire-arms. And yet it is a great country. All it needs is water and good society, which would make Hades itself inhabitable.
Also, in 1873 “The Undeveloped West; Or, Five Years in the Territories” by John Hanson Beadle printed the following:⁸
Thence for nearly four hundred miles westward, all nature is a weariness to the eye and a burden to the flesh — white deserts of alkali, bare deserts of gravel and sand, gray rock, red buttes, yellow hills, dry gullies, and hot bare plains.
Two or three green valleys appear, in which some enthusiastic settlers have half-persuaded themselves that they can “make a country.” One such resident met the Honorable (and bluff) Ben. Wade, while the latter was on his tour inspecting the Union Pacific, and with a deprecating air, remarked,
“This isn’t such a bad country — all it lacks is water and good society.”
“Yes” retorted the Senator with equal truth and point in application, “that’s all that Hell lacks.” The comparison nearly does justice to the country.
In 1877 “Cope’s Tobacco Plant: A Monthly Periodical” of Liverpool, England published a version of the tale set in Lincoln, Nebraska:⁹
Yet, I am told that when two men met at the Railroad Hotel in “Lincoln, Neb.,” one of them, who had boasted that Nebraska was or ought to be “all a good country,” backed up his certificate with the remarkable qualification — “all it lacks is — good society and water.” Now, I wish to preserve what little reputation I may have borne “thus far into the bowels of the land” of human tribulation; and I will not, therefore, fully endorse the emphatic response which this gentleman’s modified eulogy elicited from his companion. “All it lacks is good society and water?” exclaimed this person “Why, good Lord! that is all hell lacks.”
In 1889 the compilation “Wit and Humor of the Age” included the joke with a setting of Laramie, Wyoming:¹⁰
Old Ben Wade was traveling over the Union Pacific railroad, through Cheyenne and Laramie. Sitting down by Jules Daniels, who ran a ranche at Laramie, old Ben remarked:
“This is a very bad country — a God-forsaken country, Mr. Daniels.”
“You are mistaken, Senator,” said Jules. “This is a very good country. All it lacks is water and good society.”
“Yes, that’s all hell lacks,” growled old Ben.
In 1893 the New York periodical “The Theatre” described a scene from the comedy “A Texas Steer” by playwright Charles H. Hoyt. This instance of the joke used “more rain” instead of “more water”:¹¹
In “A Texas Steer” a committee of enquiry from Texas is insisting with the state representative in Congress that a certain appropriation be made for such and such a new township.
“Why that would be down right robbery!” replies the honest old man yet unused to bribery. “All it needs, Judge,” put in his constituents, “is good society and more rain.” “That’s all hell needs!” answers the Judge.
In 1900 “The Boston Sunday Globe” of Massachusetts referred to “A Texas Steer” and presented a different version of the joke:¹²
It was in “The Texas Steer” that one of his most quoted lines occurred. It represents one of the characters as saying that if it did not have such a bad class of people and such a bad climate, hell would not be a bad place to live in.
In 1905 “Cosmopolitan Magazine” in New York printed a variant using the phrase “running water” set in Texas:¹³
“Texas,” says the man in the farce, “needs only running water and good society,” and straightway Mr. Interlocutor replies: “Why, that is all hell needs” . . .
In 1943 by Joseph Kinsey Howard published the book “Montana: High, Wide, and Handsome” which placed the tale in Montana:¹⁴
An embarrassed Great Falls businessman told them it was unfortunate that they had come at such a lean time; but, he said loyally, “all Montana needs is rain.” A Grand Rapids capitalist looked up Great Falls’ blistered Central Avenue, closed his aching eyes against the sun, and thought of the hundreds of miles of parched prairie over which he had come in an oven-hot train. “Yes,” he said quietly; “and that’s all hell needs!”
In 1967 “The Modern Handbook of Humor” placed the jest in Nevada:¹⁵
Someone in a railroad party visiting Nevada said, “With water to settle the dust, and congenial companions, Nevada would be all right.”
Ex-Senator Wade of Ohio, in the party, said, “With plenty of water and good society. Hell would not be a bad place to live in, either.”
In conclusion, this quip was spoken in 1869 by Benjamin Wade at a station on the U.S. transcontinental railroad. The precise station remains unknown. William D. Kelley presented the anecdote in November 1869 as reported in “The Philadelphia Inquirer” of Pennsylvania.
Images Notes: Depiction of Pine Buttes, Wyoming by Thomas Moran circa 1914. Image has been cropped and resized.
Acknowledgement: Great thanks to Dennis Lien whose inquiry led QI to formulate this question and perform this exploration. Lien heard a version of the tale set in Texas. He also read a version set in a fictional northern Yukon town.
[1] 1869 November 24, The Philadelphia Inquirer, City Intelligence, Quote Page 3, Column 1, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Newspapers_com)
[2] 1870 January 5, The Daily News, New York To San Francisco (From Our Own Correspondent), Start Pager 5, Quote Page 6, Column 2, London, England. (Newspapers_com)
[3] 1870 March 6, Daily Kansas State Record, (Untitled filler item), Quote Page 2, Column 2, Topeka, Kansas. (Newspapers_com)
[4] 1870 March 11, Gold Hill Daily News, (Untitled filler item), Quote Page 2, Column 1, Gold Hill, Nevada. (Newspapers_com)
[5] 1870 September 9, Hartford Daily Courant, Gleanings and Gossip, Quote Page 2, Column 3, Hartford, Connecticut. (Newspapers_com)
[6] 1871, Westward by Rail: A Journey to San Francisco and Back and a Visit to the Mormons by W. F. Rae (William Fraser Rae), Second Edition, Quote Page 195, Longmans, Green, and Company, London. (Google Books Full View) link
[7] 1873 June 15, The Chicago Daily Tribune, A Western Trip From Chicago to the Rocky Mountains (Special Correspondence of The Chicago Tribune), Quote Page 7, Column 1, Chicago, Illinois. (Newspapers_com)
[8] 1873 Copyright, The Undeveloped West; Or, Five Years in the Territories J. H. Beadle (John Hanson Beadle), Quote Page 138, National Publishing Company, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Google Books Full View) link
[9] 1877 December, Cope’s Tobacco Plant: A Monthly Periodical, Cope’s Mixture, Quote Page 115, Cope Brothers & Company, Liverpool, England. (Google Books Full View) link
[10] 1889, Wit and Humor of the Age, Edited by Melville D. Landon, Chapter: Anecdotes of Great Men, Ben Wade’s Wit by Eli Perkins, Quote Page 666, Western Publishing House, Chicago, Illinois. (Google Books Full View) link
[11] 1893 April 20, The Theatre, Volume 9, Number 8, Entre Nous, Start Page 85, Quote Page 87, Column 1, New York, New York. (Google Books Full View) link
[12] 1900 July 29, The Boston Sunday Globe, All Sorry for Hoyt, Quote Page 36, Column 7, Boston, Massachusetts. (ProQuest)
[13] 1905 November, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Volume 40, Number 1, “Fads and Fancies”, Quote Page 8, Column 2, International Magazine Company, New York. (Google Books Full View) link
[14] 1943 Copyright, Montana: High, Wide, and Handsome by Joseph Kinsey Howard, Section: Panic, Chapter: Rain Is All Hell Needs, Quote Page 201, Yale University Press, New Haven, Connecticut. (Verified with scans)
[15] 1967, The Modern Handbook of Humor, Compiled by Ralph L. Woods (Ralph Louis Woods), Section: Travel and Transportation, Sub-Section: In and around the Rockies, Quote Page 380, Column 1, The McGraw-Hill Book Company, New York. (Verified with scans)
